The Eurovision 2018 Review: Day 32

Well, for a start, those are some lovely hats. We need to see more lovely hats at Eurovision.

With Poland at Eurovision, there’s usually one of two options. A little bit of controversy and fun or a nobody-worrying big ballad. You can have your overly demonstrative milk churner getting the perv vote, your full-on tropical stomper favourite falling at the domestic hurdle to something very ordinary – or someone in a floaty dress singing about bullets or other.

So this year, the Polish entry is proving rather tricky to categorize. It’s not a ballad, there was no controversy surrounding its selection, no sexiness as far as we’re aware. It’s just sort of there. Poppy, but there.

To be fair, if Light Me Up appeared in the UK selection, we’d get a bit excited and start talking about left-hand sides. Then it wouldn’t get chosen and whatever did would suddenly be bigged up with regard to left-hand sides. What we’re trying to say is that this is a very ordinary bit of pop. It’s the sort of dance-lite that would be given to younger, more attractive soap stars in the 1990s to mime to playback on Saturday morning TV. Sadly, the audience which would whoop for this is now circling 40 and scouring the internet at lunchtimes for the next nostalgia gig coming to a provincial arena near them.

Of course, everyone deserves a caveat. There could be some absolutely stupendous staging lined up for this. Gromee (or Lukas Meijer) could have spent the time between their national final success and Lisbon ingesting enough lightbulbs that by the time they get to their first ‘light me up’ (of many) in the chorus that they shine like human glow-worms. That would be something to see. And also serve a wonderful dual purpose of distracting us from the song.

We haven’t looked at the running order much in these previews but we’ll break a habit and do just that today. Gromee and Chum are in the second semi-final, sandwiched between two other nations with red and white flags. Georgia go before them with Malta on its tail. This will be a massive contrast to the laid-back chanting of the Georgian boys and is different enough from Christbelle’s offering to be spared any long-lasting harm. But look even further down that semi list and you’ve got the more instant rumblings from Hungary and the as-yet unreviewed Sweden. If you were thinking of sending your semi vote uptempo-wards, that’s a lot of distractions between Poland’s slot and the time to pick up the phone.

It pays to be bold so I’m predicting non-qualification for these plucky boys. I just hope they don’t regret all those months of having 40-watters for pudding.

 

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