The Eurovision Review 2018: Day 08

Fourth in 2016. Second in 2017. Is this the champion in waiting?

There’s already a precedent. The UK went 4th-2nd-1st between 1974 and 1976 but other than the fact every competing country entered a song, the Eurovision of the 1970s is so different to today’s, it could be an entirely different event. So not the best example.

However, it’s still been proved it can be done. But will it? It’s almost a definite no.

In its earnest pursuit of finding the song that will get it one step further up the podium, Bulgarian telly has made a fatal error in not bothering to find a song people can actually enjoy.

The warning signs were there from the beginning. Before Bones was revealed to the public in early March, it wasn’t described as a song – but a project bringing together some of the most amazing people on the planet for a ‘remarkable, immersive collaboration’ producing an unforgettable three minute-long moment. A bit like when they launched Dreamworks Pictures.

Perhaps a little less self-importance would have been advisable in the formation of Bones. This remarkable, immersive collaboration has basically coughed up something that’s a hybrid of the opening titles to Sapphire and Steel, Liam Tamne’s Astronaut from the UK heats and a piece of performance poetry from an invited guest which sixth form students pretend to enjoy so they don’t annoy their tutor.

Basically, it’s a boring song. It doesn’t help that every member of this remarkable, immersive collaboration has to take it in turns to have their own remarkable, immersive moment. That’s six remarkable, immersive moments in one three minute song. By the end of it, you’ll be begging for a G:son chorus, someone ripping a skirt off and a stick man clipping computer-generated balloons to Equinox’s collective pants so they float from the stage, sparing us the misery of hearing this again.

I try not to be a fool when it comes to Eurovision. I fear the pity of Mr T for a start. Despite the remarkable, immersive sense of ennui this song induces in me, I’m not stupid enough to see Bones’ appeal for others who like a different kind of remarkable, immersive experience. The sort of people who hate having fun, one assumes.

This is going to be in the big shake-up on the Saturday, there is little doubt. Stick this on after Moldova (if they get through too) and no other experience in your life so far will feel more remarkable, more immersive, more collaborative. More long.

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